A Quiet Mind
by grey-eyed-goddess
Summary: I'm in pain, but I won't let you bandaid my wound...Finally drawn back into the CI world I've updated this fic. Please read and review if you remember it at all.
1. Begining of the End

So, I realize that I should be writing the next chapters for my other fics, but those have been started and are at home on my computer rotting while I'm on spring break. So, after spending eight lovely hours in a car listening my iPod I thought of this (and many other things that have nothing to do with this). Enjoy it, or hate it; it is up to you.

Title: A Quiet Mind

Rating: K

AU: No, for once.

Archive: If I ever figure out how to work Amorous Intent, then perhaps.

Summary: '…I'm in pain, but I won't let you band-aid the wound…'

Robert Goren detested the men at bars who stole one dark corner of the room and drowned themselves in their own miseries. He loathed the men who drunk whiskey and let it burn down their throats as they resisted ever urge to throw the glass across the world just to hear the familiar shattering of a whole into a million pieces. He hated the men who watched the women from afar and wished that the one he wanted was the woman eyeing him over her drink at the bar. He despised himself for doing every single one of these things for the last four hours of his life tonight.

With each passing tick of the clock he felt the buzz behind his eyes rise up in a wave against his thoughts. The smoky air of the bar gave way to the monsters of shadow and doubt swimming in his mind. One long fingered hand idly traced the top of his glass. His surprise at the glass for not shattering under his touch like everything else he had come across the last few days gave way to his darker thought: He wanted it to shatter.

The small tinkle of the glass as the pieces fell to the table, and the unlikely impact of one solitary shard twisting up to meet the flesh of his wrist. How perfect that his destructing of everything would end him. Oh, how he wanted it to.

'A slow strangle with feet on the floor  
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone  
In the back of a cave, where the rest of us go  
To feel normal'

His head fell towards his chest and his fingers tightened on the glass. Each breath that escaped his body pushed him farther into his mind. He centered his thoughts-Alex. Why? Why did he do it? After all those years she had stayed with him, put up with him, given him a second chance and been there to help him he had pushed her away when he truly needed her. Those two words the final shove over the cliff.

'She doesn't care. She only stuck around to hang onto your solve rate. She always wanted to get rid of you. She's been waiting for this-this break to take advantage of it and move on. She's never helped you. All those late nights…'

His fingers left the glass and tapped on the wood of the table. His mind's angry rant rang in his head.

'…Where she was taking car of you she was setting this up, making you dependant of her so that you would break. What has she really done for you? Has she ever asked to help you when not prompted by some little comment you made? You're just as bad; every little word hanging in the air, wanting her help. She's useless you to. She never really wanted to stay. Look at what you've done to her. She's the second half of the Golden Team, but she never does anything. It's you; you're the one who discovers everything! You don't need her!'

He cradled his head in his hands willing the rant to end, to stop.

'I call baby up. Leave me alone.  
I'm in pain but I won't let you band-aid the wound  
I'm mad at a stage where I can't even handle my own.'

He forced his body up from the table, threw the money down and was out in the chilly air before anyone could hear his thoughts and see his confusion. More stares, and more pity; he never wanted that. He never had wanted that…

'She just pities you. You can see it in her eyes. That glazed over look you long for is her mind blacking you out of the picture. Her crazy partner that she doesn't want, her annoying "friend" that gets in the way of everything, but we have to pity the more man with the crazy mother and alcoholic father.'

His feet carried him the blocks and miles to his apartment. The maze of streets whipped before his eyes as he headed home. His body moved, but his mind never registered the surroundings. One arm knocked the small body of an overly pierced teen into a window, but the chivalry that usually bubbled forth stayed inside his preoccupied mind. Each passing second brought him closer to safety, to home.

'She doesn't want you around!'

His body bounded up the stairs, bypassing the elevator, and came to his door. His body stopped. His mind finally quieted. His door lay partly open and light shone through the bottom. His eyes grazed the top of the door. The extra key was still there. Everything running through his mind stood still. Alex…

'Give me a quiet mind and I...  
I love you  
You give me a quiet mind and I...  
I love you  
Until the end.'

His body moved now with all the caution his mind had taught it over the years. He cleared the door and found his way blocked by the tiny body in front of his door. Alex's honey brown eyes found his.

"Where the hell have you been all night, Bobby? It's fucking three in the morning. I've been here for hou-" Bobby's anger flared.

"I'm so sorry that I didn't call you to tell you when I'd be in. I wasn't aware that you were in charge of everything I did now. Here, for the rest of the night I'll be drinking in my living room watching the History channel and porn. Satisfied?" Her eyes darkened.

"That's a good combination for someone who might have just lost his job. I figured you'd be calling your partner to see if you still had a job-and partner." She brushed him out of the way. "Or seeing your mother. But if you want to drown yourself in a day and night of alcohol feel free." She hadn't…His hand slammed the door shut before she could leave. Each muscle in his body tensed.

"Don't you dare. .."

She spun to face him. "Dare what? Dare you actually care about my partner and friend of six years? That's fine. I'm done. I'm done trying to help you."

"You have never once tried to help me!"

"What?" Bobby felt the energy and anger radiating from her body. "I've done everything for you. I've covered for your ass for hours while you were off, I've been there to pick up the pieces when everything in your life fell, I was the one who did everything for you after Nicole and Jo and your brother." She shoved him into the living room of his apartment. "I gave you a second chance! I was the only one who bothered to stay with you!" Bobby's anger raged.

"Stayed? Gave me a second chance? I'm not blind, and I'm definitely not stupid, Eames. You were the only one smart enough to figure it out, I'll give you that. It was a great cover-"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't see why I never noticed. What was your solve rate before we were partnered? What is it now? It's brilliant. Put up with the crazy detective and be an instant success!" He laughed and spread his hands out. "It's quite genius for someone like you."

Every light in her mind extinguished after that. The anger that had accelerating her mind slowed it down to a near stop. No one had ever spoken to her with this much hate and loathing…And never had it been Bobby.

'Give me strength to be kind... To combine  
All the good things in life that were so hard to find  
But I have and I won't let them go like I do with my friends.'

The dark side of Bobby's mind quickly conquered his throat, tongue and lips. His rant continued to assault the quiet woman in front of him. She listened to the rant as it tumbled out of his mouth and attacked her ears. The silence afterwards was violent and hungry for more of the pain that had been spilled into the air only moments before.

"You really think that-that I would…"She shook her head. "That's fine. Just remember that tomorrow. I'm leaving." Bobby's anger peaked.

"So upset that I finally figured you out? Running away from it now? That's doesn't sound like the cunning bitch I've known for six years." She stayed quiet and reached for the door. Bobby gave into the silence and feed the anger. His fingers found the empty coffee mug on the table and closed around it. In one sweep of his left arm the ceramic mug sailed through the air, missed Alex and shattered as it hit the wall in front of her. What Bobby had hoped for only an hour before took place then. One splinter of the mug tore the flesh under Alex's left eye. The diagonal line of red struck her down more in surprise than pain. She fell to her knees and covered her face with her hand.

'Still bearing voices... From front... From behind  
They're the reasons I choose... When to live... How to die  
When to cast... When to reel  
When to buy... When to steal  
When to fiend for the friends that taught me  
Being inappropriate will'

Every ounce of anger fled his body then. He stopped breathing as he watched Alex fall before him. It was about then that he wanted to die. He was over her in two strides, and he was beside her by the time her hand was half way to her face. He reached out for it, to stop it and look that the cut, but she growled. Her other hand hit his hand with enough force to send the shock through his arm and to his shoulder. He tried again and this time her body flinched away from his. She was up on her feet and away from him as one thought ran through his mind: He had hurt Alex. He had hurt Alex. He had hurt Alex…

He stayed there until she tried to walk around him. Her steps were fast and long, but he was desperate. He sprang up half to his feet, wrapped his arms around her waist and fell to his knees. She stiffened as he pressed his cheek against her back.

"Alex, please…No, I'm sorry…Sorry…Don't go…Please…Anything, I'll do anything…Don't go." Bobby's tears leaked through her shirt and she stopped trying to move. A long trail of red dripped off of her arm onto the floor to join Bobby's bloody trail from where the ceramic cut into his knees.

For the first time in her life she was afraid of Robert Goren.

'Give me a quiet mind and I...  
I love you  
You give me a quiet mind and I...  
I love you  
Till the end'

TBC

RRRAAAWWWRRR!!! Now, you can all pelt me with fire and ferrets after spring break is over.


	2. Halo of Red

The song from the last chapter was A Quiet Mind by Blue October, and I don't have one for this chapter…Maybe…Let me think about it…Nope. I don't…Too bad…

Title: A Quiet Mind

Rating: T

AU: No, for once.

Archive: If I ever figure out how to work Amorous Intent, then perhaps.

Summary: '…I'm in pain, but I won't let you band-aid the wound…'

Alexandra Eames detested the men who hit their wives in the dark corner of the life they lived and went to work the next day showing off a picture of her to his friends. She loathed the men who downed drink after drink and ached to slam the fragile glass into the flesh of a fellow human just to feel the reassuring guilt that meant they still possessed a soul. She hated the men who twirled their wedding band around a finger while eyeing a young girl dressed in her older sister's makeup and itched to take the suffocating ring off. She despised herself for thinking these things of Bobby now, but they all crowed her mind as she stood there with him hanging onto her in his apartment.

She felt one of his hands tighten around her waist, and his fingers gripped her tight enough to stop her breathing. His fingers were not the reason for her shortness of breath. The coldness spreading through her body had nothing to do with the fact that the lower part of her shirt was soaked in his tears as he tried desperately to fix what he had broken. The only physical factor that ailed her was the red stain down her cheek. From the cut a trail of dark red worked its way down her neck to rest in the nook of her collarbone.

Bobby's body shook and every fear, everything that fought so hard rise to the surface and erupt from him did-it already had. And now he knew what was to come, but would give anything to stop it. The bits of the mug that dug into the skin of his legs left trails of red on the floor, and he could feel his knees slipping out from under him. He could feel this, but the cause was unimportant to him. All that mattered was Alex, and all that he could do was not let her go.

The silence was filled with anger, but hungered for more. Alex, although every part of her screamed for anger, vengeance, and to do some sort of bodily harm to Bobby, she fed upon the silence until it was quit sure who would do the rest of the deciding for the night. She spoke.

"Bobby, let me go." Her voice was even, unwavering, and it surprised her. The only answer came in the form of a muffled sob and the quick movements of his hands. His grip tightened. "Robert Goren, let me go." No response. "Goren!" Panic seized her, and she spun, brought one knee up to his chin and one foot to his stomach in quick succession. Alex, as always, had impeccable aim. She watched him crumple to the floor at her feet. She knew where that fear had come from, but she hated it. Never had she feared her partner; she had only ever been exasperated if anything, but now…Now, she hated herself for allowing it to come to this. The man she called her best friend fallen at her feet crying and surrounded by a halo of red.

That thought fired off every synapsis in her brain-red. Blood. There was no way that was her blood…Somewhere in the back of her mind she was smiling.

'Look at him, on his knees before you. The mighty Robert Goren brought to his knees not by Nicole, but by you; the genius, the golden boy of the Major Case Squad, brought to his knees, crying and begging, by his useless partner. Let him bleed. Look at your own hands. You placed your life in his hands and this is how he repaid you.'

Her fingers twitched as she eyed the back of his neck. Alex could feel her chest tighten in anticipation of what she could do to him.

'You've done everything for him. You've put up with being the shadow of him, and being treated as a second rate trophy partner, and you shouldn't have to. Look at him. He's pathetic, laying there on the floor begging. You've broken him, and now you can be better than him-do anything to him. Even when you escaped it was the genius detective that everyone worried about. Poor guy nearly lost his partner and his mother. But, oh no, let's not worry about the partner who hung there for hours…You escaped without him. You, the shadow, survived without his help. You don't need him. You never did need him. Whatever you felt before he didn't deserve. End it!'

Her eyes glazed over as she watched his body shake. His arms covered his head, and his body was folded over itself for protection. She smiled. Protection…

She felt the whisper in the back of her mind bend her knees. She balanced there, kneeling in front of him in a mock position of his that displayed her power. With one graceful movement she lifted his face up from the floor. Her honey rimmed eyes stared into his, but they held none of their previous compassion and humor they usually did. His eyes were wet; cheeks tearstained; and the look of pure desperation in his eyes stopped the whisper for a moment. Her eyes softened. She ran one finger across his cheek lightly and felt Bobby barely lean into the touch. His eyes asked for her permission. His eyes begged for her permission.

"Alex, please…" She ran her finger across his cheek again, but this time her eyes followed the red smear it left on his skin.

'End it!'

Alex ended it. Her fingers twitched and she dug her fingernails into his cheek. His eyes widened and darkened as he realized what had just happened. For the second time that night he threw his arms around her. This time there was no pulling away from it. They tumbled over together onto the floor behind Alex, and Bobby twisted his body around in mid fall to protect her. Whatever had crossed his mind earlier was gone forever and had left only caring, wanting and the undying urge to protect Alex in his thoughts. She landed on top of him two seconds later.

Her hands shot out only to hit his chest. He grabbed her hands and pulled her back towards him. Her hands were captured quickly by his right hand, and his left hand captured her neck. He held her there in neither a threatening nor a loving embrace. His eyes starred straight into hers as he leaned towards her. His forehead met hers. His mind blocked out the sharp intake of breath and the tensing of her body. The arm he had used to hold her there slid down her back to keep her in a tight hug, and he nuzzled against the side of her neck.

"Alex, please. I didn't…No, please…" Somewhere in the back of her mind the whisper was yelling and a small echo was waging war against it. She could feel the whisper loosing. She shifted her weight against Bobby's chest. Lowering her head to his ear she softly rubbed her cheek against his. Bobby stopped his mantra and looked at her. His eyes were empty of everything but her, and she felt the whisper die slowly, painfully and completely. She kept eye contact the whole time.

"I will not forget this, Bobby. I will not forgive you of it, and I will not trust you as completely as I once did." She felt his fingers loosen from her shirt. His eyes widened in horror. "I will never forget one word that you said, and you will not ever be allowed to speak to me again." She watched his eyes die at those words. "In that manner ever again. If you ever give me reason I will not hesitate to leave you, and I will feel no regret whatsoever about leaving because of what you did." Through his shirt, the space between them and her own clothes she felt is heart flutter back to life at those words. "Do anything like that again and I will not hesitate to send in the exact same letter as I did those years ago." She pushed herself away from him, and this time he did not struggle to hold onto her, but followed her into the bathroom.

She stopped at the doorway and flicked her hand into the room. Bobby went before her eager to do whatever she asked. She followed him and pushed him softly onto the edge of the tub. Grabbing one towel she leaned down to eyed the long ceramic shard that had lodged itself into the flesh of Bobby's knee. She wet the towel, but in one swift movement her hand was stopped by his, and she found herself sitting on his knee with him gently cleaning the blood off of her face. He shook his head at her protest. His voice was no more than a whisper.

"Never hurt you again…Never…" She let him clean the small cut, and sighed. As good as that sounded and as could as his embrace felt she couldn't believe him.

TBC

So, shorter, but just as depressing to write. Review and I'll give you my eternal love.


	3. Looking Back

Title: A Quiet Mind

Rating: T

AU: No, for once.

Archive: If I ever figure out how to work Amorous Intent, then perhaps.

Summary: '…I'm in pain, but I won't let you band-aid the wound…'

Finally, another LOCI chapter. I know, I know…I'm sorry. I got caught up in my Wicked fic, and I couldn't really get past any of this because I hadn't seen VDO and KE in so long. All right, no more excuses. Here we go. Feedback is always loved (unless you're Fidel Castro).

I'll be honest-this is really just a filler until I can actually think after exams (physics and chemistry just murdered me. Not the positrons!).

**Chapter Three**

It was effortless. The edge eased out of its prison in a slow, unheeded motion, and the sharpened tip cast dull pink spots of light on the wall. With one flick of the wrist the sliver of ceramic mug hit the water trapped in the sink and sunk it sunk to the bottom. The sliver hit the bottom tip first, and spirals of rose colored water rose to the surface. The pink waves rose once then fell back into the water too diluted to survive till the next crest. Alex shook out the towel.

Her eyes glanced up at the mirror-hair out of place, eyes red, lips dotted with teeth marks-and sighed. She turned back to Bobby. His knee, a limb of jagged flesh, stared back at her. She sighed again and pressed the wet cloth against his skin. Her fingers pushed the cloth into the cut, but he showed no pain. She continued on although she was completely aware of her harshness; sometimes she couldn't resist.

Her hair fell in front of her face. She was bandaged and wrapped and cleansed and washed and Bobby was sitting there torn and battered and cut and bruised. Mind you, he's the one that did the cutting and bruising, but…Well…

"Alex?" His voice was soft and deep.

"Yes, Bobby?" Her voice was tight and constricted.

It would be a long night if they kept on like this.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" She stopped. "You don't have to…I know you don't want too…Probably…" Oh, the poor man! She touched his cheek. The third finger slid down his cheek bone, and the thicker-than-normal layer of beard rubbed her skin. She bit her bottom lip.

"I am." He finally met her eyes. Relief; pure relief flowed through his eyes into her. "But I am going to talk, you are going to listen, and if you don't, Bobby, I will not look back when I leave." She threw the cloth into the sink and opened the drain. The water swirled down the drain in a slow spiral. The dull pink finally showed through the clear water, and Alex looked back up at him. "And believe me. I will leave."

The last of the red water dripped down the drain.

-TBC-

I know! It's so short. I'm sorry. I promise that as soon as all of my exams are over, and I'm at my summer scholar program I'll write more. Promise!


	4. The Lion's Den

Title: A Quiet Mind

Rating: K

Archive: If someone would point me in that direction…

Summary: '…I'm in pain, but I won't let you band-aid the wound…'

Author's Note: I haven't written a Law and Order: CI fic since the beginning of the summer. For some reason I lost my CI muse and got caught up in a whirlwind of Wicked fiction writing. I actually don't know what to say because my CI muse is still somewhere off in the tropics with a fruity drink with a tiny umbrella floating in it. I've decided to start out my CI writing small and work my way up to try and drag my muse back. Hopefully, the start of the season (whenever that will be) will help.

So, I'm so sorry if this is out of character, so late you hate me, or just plain bad. Hopefully there will be more to come.

Also, if any likes Wicked (musical or book) I would encourage them to glance at the Wicked section or jump straight there via one of my stories. The awards were just held, and the winners really are wonderful stories that I strongly encourage.

Without further nonsense:

**Chapter Four**

The pillows were, as Alex expected, in perfect order, and the sheets were just as meticulously packed away in the back of the closet. Not for the first time she found herself questioning why her brooding recluse of a partner needed a guest bedroom. The convenience of the situation, however, pushed out any thoughts of this as she stretched the soft blue material across the mattress. One nail pulled at a lose string.

'What pray tell my dear Alexandra, are you still doing here? Do you listen to me? Do you listen to reason? No, and look where you are- in the bed of your partner making _his_ bed, reopening your wounds, and on your knees like some common harlot. Just minutes ago _he_ was begging for your forgiveness, and now you're making _his_ bed for you to sleep in to keep _him_ the company that _he_ needs because _he_ can't hold onto _his_ life as it slips through _his_ hands. The least you could do is make it about you for once.'

Alex jerked the string once and shook her head at the sudden 'snap' from beneath her hand. This would not do. Her fingers worked at the sheets as her brain worked at the man only one room away pouring coffee and heating up some forgotten meal from yesterday. She could hear his footsteps as he paced, and she could almost see the tension his body always held. A small part of her smiled as the other part tossed one pillow against the headboard.

'Leave him in there a while longer. Make him wait to hear your judgment. He left you barricade in building for hours while he danced around his old mentor. Oh no, Robert Goren is never wrong; it could never be right under his nose. Let him sweat.'

She traced one finger down the corner of the nightstand. The bandage across her face did nothing to ease the pain flaring under the skin. A headache, not the last, began to spark behind her eyes. Relaxing against the doorframe, she cocked her head to the right and watched Bobby's arm appear in her line of sight every three seconds.

'Look at him in there, pacing like a caged lion. You know, it's the females who do all the work. They hunt, care for the young, and yet it's the males that get all the popularity. Listen to him He's stalking back and forth, tossing his head and growling at himself. He's just waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on you again. Feel that-that burning under your skin? He's just waiting for you to walk in there so he can do it again.'

She pushed herself off from the wall…

…Into the lion's den.

-TBC-


End file.
